131“Nothingman”

posted by cibol on August 24th, 2008

Sometimes I just feel like I’m walking through all of what I’m going through with my life paralyze. Paralyze in a sense that there will always be something missing inside of me. That is something that I myself could not explain. I just can’t find the right words to say, the right thing to do and I am basically clueless.

When I say people walking down the streets, sometimes I just do not know whether it is I who is being left behind or I was way upfront, whichever way you like, I got myself confused. I often find myself caught in the situation where I just don’t know what to say or even what to do in this part of my life. It doesn’t make any sense isn’t it?

For some reason sometimes I think I’m trying so hard to be somebody who is not me. Trying to be perfect in the eyes of everybody and that somehow got my focus went out of sight for a while. While I’m waiting for it to come back, watching the clock ticks I told myself

“I got to stop”

“Tell me”

“Take no more”

I am getting a little bit lethargic today. Tired maybe – Not physically but maybe mentally I am. Let me see, where should I start?

It has been six month…

Yes, believe it or not I have been here in our very own Big Apple for six month now. Wow! That was fast. I didn’t see it coming until the other day a colleague mention about confirmation at work. Somehow, the talk was not as pleasing as it seems to be.

“You think you will be confirmed?”

“Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know. Its not for me to say”

“If he’s still around … I guess it’s pretty hard”

I paused for a while. It got me thinking and suddenly I realize how small I am despite being somebody who is very vocal about my rights in this place. For a moment I thought ; there goes my chances, there goes my bonus, there goes everything that I’ve ever dream of. It’s all tattered and torn.

I refuse to believe in it.