I always think of my blog as something personal to me. You know, a place for you to pour out everything and nothing at all. All the craps, the richness and also the dullness of my life kinda thing. I guess it’s pretty much is. As I’m writing this piece there’s only one thought came to mind, which is something that I couldn’t be able to express it clearly. Or maybe I just don’t want to? Something very disturbing in a way. Might not be a big deal for anyone else but it is to me. It’s like one part of me is being pulled apart and wanting to be parted into two pieces. Which I can feel it does hurt me so much just to hear the word - go.

There are sometimes when I just feel like numb. I don’t know what to do or what to say about things. It hurts so much that I can’t say things out correctly and it hurts so much that what I did hurts not just me but someone else. Sometimes I wonder also why is it so hard for me to do everything right?

Dumb .. That’s the word, I guess.

Promises meant to be broken?…You’ll be the judge of that..Last night, we were singing this song…the lyric so catchy..

Janji Padamu by Exists

Tiada ku sangka sejak detik itu

Kau membuka pintu kamar di hatiku

Cinta yang terhampar suatu tika dulu

Bersinar kembali

Andainya dikau mencuri hatiku

Dengan kejujuran dan tingkahlakumu

Memberikan aku satu keyakinan

Mendungkan berlalu

Chorus:

Akan ku pertahankan cinta ini

Demi kesetiaan ku padamu

Akan ku tempuhi onak duri

Demi untukmu bidadari

Percayalah janjiku ini

Andainya kau jauh dariku

Dekat di hatiku

Andainya kau yang pergi dulu

Hampalah cintaku

Jangan tinggalkanku

Jangan persiakan cinta yang murni

Repeat chorus

Andainya kau jauh dariku

Dekat di hatiku

Andainya kau yang pergi dulu

Hampalah cintaku

Jangan tinggalkanku

Jangan persiakan cinta yang murni

AaAa…aaaa…aAAaaa

As I was walking from work to the Hang Tuah station, suddenly this lovely song came into my mind. I was never really a big fan of Leann Rimes but then it was this particular song that kept me captivated. The song that reminds me of how much I long for someone, how much I missed that special someone. I smiled, walking away.

It doesn’t really stop there. I kept on playing and playing in my mind until I sleep. Maybe, I need you .. so bad.

I don’t need a lot of things
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring
I’ve always needed something
But I’ve got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You’re my only reason
You’re my only truth

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you

You’re the hope that moves me
To courage again
You’re the love that rescues me
When the cold winds, rage
And it’s so amazing
’cause that’s just how you are
And I can’t turn back now
’cause you’ve brought me too far

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do
I need you
I need you

This is the third ciggy I puffed in the last eight minutes or so. Like I care. My hands are itchy that I really want to write something before it’s too late and maybe before I go back to my sanity because practically now I’m very much in a state of confusion. Not that it’s really confusing but I made myself confuse. I think me myself would not be able to express this out clearly.

Maybe I got a little disappointed or maybe I’m just being a super emo freak. Call me what you will and most probably I will not care. Could it be any harder? I do not know. But what I know is that I find it hard trying to get what I want to say here straight out and I might continue to rant and rant for God knows how long. I hate it when it does happen.

What is the value of honesty?

It was like yesterday that you had it all and now, Wednesday is gone. And at that particular moment you might be wondering what have you done to deserve all this? Now, you start to hate it and continue to hate it but you just can’t find anybody to blame, not even yourself.

It’s like waking up in the morning and finally realizes that it was just a dream. You got frustrated but then you can’t do anything about it. You’ll feel dejected, fucked up to the max and well maybe a little bit in a mess – partly because you just can’t really get hold of yourself.

Have you ever felt like being so alone in a very crowded place? Even if you are with your best buddies. Everything is so happening and you, felt like being pushed to the far corner of the room feeling so dejected, fucked up to death, beat down dead and stung deep right through your heart. You felt alone, very much alone. No matter how hard they try to get you in but you still feel alone, lonely .. empty. It’s like killing you almost to the very deepest point of agony.

Don’t get it? Me too …

Sometimes I wonder why am I such a big loser. Yes, I am and somehow all these things I hate just revolves around me. Things happens but we don’t really know why. If it’s supposed to be like this and why do most of us ignore the chance to miss? Silly isn’t it? Ok, maybe it’s just me then and somehow what happened made me realized that I move on too fast of late. Really fast from one to another and it continues. Not that I want to but maybe I’m just a little afraid that I will be the one that will feel the pain in the end.

It’s a game of power, manipulation of emotions to control someone’s mind. And yes its a serious game. It’s a game where one who displays their emotions first, gives up total control to the next and goes around like a dog on a collar. When a piece of stock has no future you have to cut your losses and sell. Indecisiveness and sensitiveness can kill.

or maybe I just lost that believe in the thing we call honesty. I don’t know …

So I’ll just leave you with a song …